


Maybe I'm a Mess and I Ain't Gonna Change

by headfrst4halos



Series: Awkward Virgin Kylo Ren [4]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post TFA, Suicidal Thoughts, injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-08-13 19:37:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7983658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/headfrst4halos/pseuds/headfrst4halos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Directly after the destruction of Starkiller base, both men are forced to confront their demons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe I'm a Mess and I Ain't Gonna Change

**Author's Note:**

> Written by myself and @trash-can-fam. Come say hi to us.

The snow is stained black. 

Heart pounding in his chest, Hux half runs, half staggers towards the prone figure on the ground. He drops to his knees, fingers immediately searching for a pulse. Ren flinches at the touch, eyes fluttering open, and Hux is momentarily overwhelmed by the relief he feels. 

“Hux?” his voice is tiny, nearly lost in the creaks and groans of the breaking planet beneath them. “I’m--it hurts.”

The general does his best to ignore the pool of black he’s kneeling in. The pool is so thick it’s warming the ground beneath him. “Where is the blood coming from?” Hux asks, trying to sound calm. He had never seen the Knight truly injured, didn't even think of it as a possibility. 

Ren’s fingers twitch as he wordlessly brings them to his side, revealing the blood leaking slowly from a deep wound nearly hidden under the folds of his robe. Even so it was still difficult to see in the fading light; Hux didn’t put much faith in spirits or the force, but the shadows made it appear that a part of Ren’s soul was leaking from his body. 

“Get him stabilized,” Hux snaps to the troopers behind him.

As the stormtroopers reach Ren, they are immediately repelled by an unseen force. “Hux, it hurts.” 

Hux feels the ground breaking apart beneath them; he knows they don’t have much time. “I know you're in pain Ren, but you have to let them get you on the shuttle or we’re all going to die.” 

The Knight’s head lolls to the side. There is a gash running from the middle of his forehead down the right side of his face to his chin, and Hux panics for a moment, wondering how Ren could possibly still be alive with the amount of blood his must’ve lost. 

Hux reaches for the Knight’s pulse again, relieved when Ren grabs his hand. “I can’t pick you up by myself,” Hux says quietly, “Will you let them help you if I stay with you?” 

Ren nods. The stormtroopers carefully place him on a stretcher, ignoring his cries of pain. Hux squeezes his hand, hoping that Ren will cooperate long enough for them to make it away from the remains of the planet. 

By some miracle they make it to the ship. It takes off immediately, moving into lightspeed within seconds. 

In the artificial light, Hux is able to clearly see Ren's wounds for the first time. With a sinking feeling he realizes the severity of the situation. Ren should be dead. 

A medical droid rolls over to the stretcher and begins to cut Ren's robes away from his injured side. A second droid begins to prepare a blood replenishing solution. The Knight whimpers and tries to squirm away, pulling weakly on Hux’s hand. 

“Get him some pain medication,” Hux orders, glaring at the droid. 

“No,” Ren chokes out, “Don't want it.” The droids freeze and Hux feels himself beginning to panic. 

“Ren, you need to cooperate.” Hux says, unable to keep the desperation out of his tone. 

“Don’t need them.” Ren releases Hux's hand, eyes falling shut. “Do what you need to.”

“Don’t be an idiot.” Hux’s tone is so sharp it manages to startle Ren out of his listlessness. For a moment Hux views the man he knows so well, but as he inhales the pain takes him and he becomes the shell once again. “You’re going into shock. You need the medication.”

“I’m fine,” Ren mumbles. “Just leave me. Save yourself.

“Ren, we’re already on the damn ship--” he realizes it then, kicking himself for not recognizing it earlier. “You’re not dying on my watch,” he growls. “Supreme Leader Snoke expressly forbade me from letting you die, and since his weapon is gone I don’t intend to disappoint him again. For once in your fucking life quit feeling sorry for yourself and let me help you!”

The ship had gone silent during his tirade. Ren’s head lolls to the side and Hux sees red. Had he lost his cool in front of his men only for Ren to fall asleep (he wouldn't consider the alternative) during his scolding?

Then, so softly Hux has to strain to hear it, Ren says, “Alright. But I want you to do it.”

Hux turns back to his men, face expressionless. “Upon reaching the Finalizer take Kylo Ren to my quarters with all necessary supplies. In this state, it is unsafe for him to be around others.” 

The troopers around him nod. Hux cannot see their faces but he gets the distinct impression that they too are in shock and the nod was simply a way to go through the motions, an attempt to grasp onto something that wasn’t the sight of their lives crumbling before them. 

Thankfully the med droid retains its ability to think clearly (Hux finds himself envying droids in that respect) and offers to staunch the sluggish flow of blood while Hux administers the pain meds. 

Hux nods, grabbing a syringe from the second droid. He jabs it into Ren's outer thigh, holding his leg down as he compresses the plunger. Hux winces at the temperature of Ren's skin; he was far too warm after having laid in the snow for so long.

Ren’s lips move soundlessly. Hux frowns, watching what appears to be an endless mantra, bending down to see if he could hear the Knight’s words. 

Hux pulls back so quickly he nearly headbutts the trooper standing behind him. Feeling lightheaded, he clears his throat and turns to the droid. “Make sure he remains stable. Inform me if there is any change while we are en route.” He exits before waiting for the droid’s response. 

As soon as he is out of view of his men, Hux gasps as if he’d been struck in the gut. He places his head against the cool metal of the ship. He wishes it was cold enough to freeze the words running through his mind so he could shatter them, forget he’d ever heard them. 

In the quiet of the ship, Hux repeated the words to no one in particular. 

“I’m so sorry.”

Hux rubs his palms over his eyes, exhaling. Now was not the time to show weakness. His men needed him to be strong. Ren needed him to be strong.

Hux decides that he can be strong after they make it back to the ship. 

Far too soon, they reach the Finalizer. Ren is thankfully unconscious when they arrive.

Hux notices that the droids were able to get Ren attached to an IV of blood replenishing solution. He thinks back to the blackened snow and represses a shudder. He hopes it will be enough. 

He blindly follows the droids to his own quarters. They deposit Ren on his bed and depart without being dismissed. At least Hux doesn't remember speaking. 

Hux sits down beside Ren’s broken form on the bed, once again checking for his pulse despite the fact that he can see the motion of his pained breathing. 

He sits with Ren's wrist in his hand for what feels like an eternity, counting until he is sure that the man won't die on him. Even when he finally pulls away, Hux does not feel sure. 

Reminding himself that Ren needs treatment, Hux peels away the gauze at his side, sucking in a breath at the sight of Ren's bruised and tattered skin. It looks far worse in the light. 

Pieces of Ren's cloak seem to have melted into the wound. Trying not to gag, Hux methodically cleans the wound, scrubbing away the dried blood and debris.

As he works, Ren's words loop endlessly through his thoughts. Hux thinks he might be repeating them aloud. He finds himself wishing Ren would wake up and say something else.

Satisfied that the wound is clean, Hux grabs a bottle of antiseptic spray. “This will sting.” Ren remains unconscious. 

As Hux begins the process of disinfecting the wound, Ren lets out a strangled scream, sitting up so quickly that Hux drops the bottle. 

The Knight's eyes are frantically scanning the room, chest heaving in panic. Hux realizes that Ren's memory must be compromised by the medication.

“Re-Kylo, look at me,” Hux says, placing a hand on Ren's uninjured cheek. The Knight jerks back, the motion causing a small burst of crimson blood to ooze from the hole in his side. 

Hux swears and grabs a gauze pad, pressing it into the wound. Ren whimpers, trying to yank Hux’s hand away. “I know, I know, I'm sorry,” Hux says gently, “Ren, you need to lie back down. You're severely injured.”

The Knight stops struggling, eyes widening in recognition. “Hux?”

“Yes, Kylo, we're in my quarters on the Finalizer.” To Hux’s horror, Ren lets out a choked sob, tears streaming down his face. 

“I'm so sorry,” he gasps. “Make it stop, I'm so sorry.”

“Stop squirming. I know it hurts, but if you keep moving I’ll never get this bandaged.” He refuses to acknowledge Ren’s last phrase. 

“Please, I'm sorry,” Ren falls forward on the bed.

Hux swears again and heaves the Knight back onto the sheets. “Ren, it's fine. You need to try to calm down.”

Ren’s eyes are wide and wild. His fingers clutch at the sheets, already wet with his blood. “I failed. I shouldn’t be--I should be dead.”

“You will be dead if you don’t let me help you,” Hux snaps. He notices the gauze pad is nearly soaked through and reaches for another. Ren’s hand shoots out and grabs his wrist before he can grab one, bloody fingers staining his skin.

“Just let me die,” Ren insists. His eyes, while no less wild, show the degree of clarity Hux had seen previously when he’d snapped at the Knight on the ship. He really wants to die, Hux thinks. Well, two can play at this game.

“You don’t think I’m afraid that I failed too, Ren?” Unconsciously he presses on Ren’s wound, making him wince. “That I wanted nothing more to jump on an escape pod and run as far as I could from this? I just watched my life’s work destroyed before my eyes, and I could do nothing to stop it. I could be demoted for this. Hell, I could die for this. Likely the only reason I didn’t is because the Supreme Leader knows I am the only one who could save you.” Saying the words aloud and making the possibility of Ren’s death real made his throat go dry. Angry tears pricked his eyes, and for once he let Ren see them.

“You’re alive, Ren. You have another chance to make this right. But if you really don’t want to live for yourself, then live for me, dammit. I--” he chokes but forces himself to solider on. “I need you. And I refuse to let you die.”

“You should hate me,” Ren says quietly, “I ruined your life.”

“I’m trying to hate you.” Tears wet the general’s cheeks but he ignores them. “I want to hate you. You destroyed everything. But I can’t, Ren. I need you. Alive.”

“I'm so sorry,” Ren sobs, “Hux, it hurts.” Hux takes a deep breath, running a hand across face. Now is not the time to break down. He knows he must keep his mind focused on the situation at hand. He can ensure Ren survives, take away some of the pain. This at least, he can fix. 

“I know,” Hux says in what he hopes is a comforting tone, “You need to keep still.” He presses a new gauze pad onto the wound, trying to ignore Ren's pained noises. “Can you hold this in place?”

“Yes,” Ren brings his hand down, pressing the gauze down without much force. Hux places his hand over top of Ren's, hoping he gets the message.

“I know it hurts but we need to get the bleeding to stop,” Hux says, pulling his hand away. He checks the IV, making sure the solution is still flowing. “You need to be on fluids and more pain medication.”

“I don't want it.” Ren has his eyes shut again, other hand clenched in the blankets. 

“You were just complaining about the pain,” Hux says in exasperation. “This will help. Take the damn meds and quit being a martyr.”

Ren whimpers. “They--they give me bad dreams. Visions, nightmares, I can’t tell the difference...please don’t make me fall asleep.”

“Then we compromise,” Hux says after hesitating for a moment. This admission is way out of his element, but he hopes he can successfully placate Ren and prevent him from accidentally murdering someone in his sleep. “I’ll give you a low dosage to keep the edge off, but not enough to put you under. Alright?” 

“Okay,” Ren mumbles, “Just get it over with.”

Hux finds a bag of fluids in the supplies from medbay. He hooks it to the stand next to the blood replenishing solution and cleans a spot on Ren's forearm. “Make a fist.” Ren hesitates. “It's just fluids, I promise. No pain medication.”

Ren obeys and Hux manages to get the needle in without issue. He tapes the cannula in place and then gets up to find the pain medication. “Is your side still bleeding?”

“No.” Ren tries again to sit up. Hux can tell the prospect of more medication is making him anxious. 

“If you sit up, you'll reopen it. This is going to be the worst of it. I won't do anything without telling you first.” 

Ren glares at him, skeptical as Hux returns with the medication. He sets up the pump the med droids had left. “I'm just going to put the needle in.” 

Methodically he inserts the needle into Ren’s hand and does his best to ignore the way Ren jerks in the bed as if Hux was administering an electric shock rather than relief. “You're alright.”

“I’m going to set it on the lowest dosage.” Hux presses the button and the machine whirs softly. Ren squeezes his eyes shut, breathing hard through his nose. 

“What if they start up again and I can’t stop them?” Ren says, his voice small and soft. “What if--what if I hurt you?”

“You won’t,” Hux says with a lot more confidence then he feels. “You need to calm down, Ren. You're going to make yourself sick.”

“You’re not leaving are you?” Ren looks up at Hux, his expression far too vulnerable. 

Hux throws him a withering look. “As tempting as it is, I still need to bandage your wounds. And you’re bleeding all over my bed.” And though he'd never admit it, the thought of leaving Ren injured and afraid was almost enough to make him physically ill. 

Hux knows Ren really must be half delirious when he actually laughs at the sarcasm. Ren regrets the movement instantly as it jostles his wounds, but he continues giggling maniacally as Hux gathers new bandages. 

He starts with the blaster wound, gingerly peeling off the sticky gauze. He applies a bacta patch, realizing belatedly that in order to wrap it Ren will need to sit up. 

“Give me your hand,” Ren says. “I can sit up if you help me.”

Hux tries to sound indignant as he sits down on the bed but the Knight looks so pathetic, hardly able to sit up without help, that he doesn’t put much feeling behind the words. “Did you read my mind?”

“You think so loudly,” Ren murmurs, laying his head on Hux’s shoulder. The general huffs but does his best to wrap the dressing around the other man’s lower torso. “You’re always thinking. You think too much.” 

“One of us has to,” Hux says, trying to get Ren back down on the bed. “Get off of me, you're still bleeding.”

Ren giggles again and collapses bonelessly onto the sheets. “I’m bleeding on your sheets. Does that rhyme? I don’t think so. I wonder what my mother would say if she knew I was laying in the bed of the most powerful man in the First Order.”

Hux freezes. He wonders if this is what Ren had been referring to, this loss of control, and he watches Ren carefully for any change in his demeanor. But the Knight chuckled to himself again, sharing in a private joke with himself, a goofy grin stretching across his features. 

Hux does his best to ignore Ren as he applies bacta patches to the rest of his wounds. His delirious mirth was unsettling given his comments not moments before. Hux supposes he should be thankful the Knight isn’t screaming and thrashing about, but the idea that he and Ren will never be the same when this is over is only solidified with each cackle. 

“How are you feeling, Ren?” Hux watches Ren’s expression change.

“Bad. I made you upset again,” he says, eyes slightly unfocused. “I always do that.”

“I meant your injuries.” Hux sighs, slightly exasperated. 

The Knight shakes his head, a big, slow side-to-side movement that seems comical despite the serious look on his face. “Nooooo,” he draws the vowel out and lazily throws his blood-stained hand on Hux’s chest. “I meant your injuries. You are hurt too.”

“Ren, what are you--?”

“Stop.” Ren’s hand pats Hux’s chest twice. “You--stop. You need to heal--heal yourself. You don’t need my help. You--” he swallows loudly. “You’re good, Hux. You don’t need me.”

“Of course I do, you're being ridiculous.” Hux gently takes Ren's hand, mindful of the IV. “Stop being hard on yourself, it isn't doing either of us any good.”

“Good…” Ren closes his eyes and Hux thinks he is finally asleep, but he speaks once more. “Hux, am I a good man?”

Shit. Hux did not sign up for an existential debate with a drugged up, former Jedi man child with family issues. After only a moment’s hesitation he went with the most chaste answer he could come up with in five seconds. 

“Ren, morality is different for everyone. It's all subjective.”

Ren is silent and Hux worries he’s said the wrong thing. Then, “Oh. Okay. But I am a good man for you?”

“I need to get you off of these bloody sheets.”Hux says tersely. “Are you well enough to stand?”

Ren nods slowly and Hux helps him sit up, grunting as he half throws the Knight into the chair beside the bed. After ensuring his IVs are still in tact, he begins to strip the bed. 

As Hux bustles around the room, he thinks he’s gotten away with it. It appears Ren is too far gone to notice his avoidance of the question. It isn’t as if Hux doesn’t have an answer; he does, and if Ren were more cognizant he’d know it. 

Out of the corner of his eye Hux notices Ren leaning forward in the chair. “Ren!” He snaps, practically running back over to the chair, “You have to stay upright.”

“Why won't you answer me?” Ren asks, using the front of Hux’s shirt to steady himself. “You didn’t answer. You thought I wouldn’t notice.”

“I thought you already knew the answer,” Hux says, manhandling Ren back into a sitting position. 

“I do. You think loudly.”

“So you’ve said.” Hux steadies Ren and turns away, busying himself with making the bed. 

“Y--you can’t ignore me forever,” Ren slurs. He swats at Hux’s ass. 

“Ren, your balance isn't very good right now. Keep still,” Hux chides, ignoring his ploys for attention. 

“You can't make me,” Ren protests, trying in vain to stand up. “My balance is great.”

“Fucking hell. You’re going to reopen your wounds.” Hux does his best to grip parts of Ren that are not damaged or covered in bandages as he slowly but firmly maneuvers him back onto the now clean bed.

“You won't let me,” Ren mumbles, trying and failing to roll onto his injured side, “You always take care of me.”

Hux snorts, throwing the blankets over Ren. “Are you comfortable?”

“No,” Ren says, reaching for Hux, “I want you.”

“Hold on.” Hux strips himself of his bloodied clothing, catching a whiff of soot and fire. His undershirt is halfway over his head when the picture of Starkiller exploding bursts in front of his eyes. He sucks in a breath, feeling panic bubble up from his gut, but he forces himself to breathe out slowly and focus on making the rest of his disrobing appear normal.

“Hux, come here. I'm sorry.” Hux can hear Ren squirming on the bed, knows he's trying to get up. The thought that Ren is trying to comfort him even his addled state is enough to drive him back over the bed. 

The general crawls into bed, taking special care not to jostle Ren’s many IVs or his many bandages. He eventually manages to get them into a somewhat comfortable position, which Ren promptly ruins by shifting closer to Hux. 

“Never get this injured again,” Hux scolds him. “This is impossibly uncomfortable.”

“I promise not to if you answer my question,” Ren says, doing his best to nuzzle up against Hux. 

“You are insufferable.”

“I need to hear you say it.”

Startled by the sudden firmness of Ren’s tone, Hux glances over and finds the Knight glaring at him, his dark eyes filled with longing. This is still only a husk of the Ren he remembers, and he too realizes how close he is to breaking. But the lucidity in the Knight’s eyes is enough to bring hot tears to his, so he finally answers. 

“I love you, Ren.” Hux pulls Ren closer, wrapping his arms around him to the best of his ability. “I love you and I need you.”

“Was that so hard?” Ren murmurs. Before Hux could comment, he continues, “I love you too.”

Hux feels his throat tighten. He refuses to break down tonight, partially because of his need to be strong for Ren, but also because of the realization that if he breaks down now, he will surely lose a part of himself that he’s managed to keep together thus far. 

Ren lets out a frustrated huff, and Hux feels Ren struggle against him for a moment. “ Hux, kiss me? I can't...” 

This time there is no hesitation. Hux’s lips desperately find Ren’s and it is only with effort that he stops himself from running his hands up and down Ren’s body, ensuring that his Knight is really there, that this isn’t simply a dream, and his love did not die on that godforsaken planet. 

Hux finally pulls away, pressing their foreheads together. “You need to rest.” With relief, he realizes that the eyes staring back at him are closer to the ones he remembers. 

“We’ll be okay,” Ren says quietly, running his hand along Hux's jawline. “Don't think so much.”

If Ren had said the same thing to him ten hours earlier, Hux would’ve laughed in his face. But with all the unbelievable occurrences today, he is willing to give himself this one, allow himself to hope if only for a second that his Knight’s words were true. 

“We’ll be okay,” Hux repeats. And when Ren smiles at him he knows they will be.


End file.
